Hi friends, your favorite cryptid author is back. I haven’t been posting much on Threads this last week because of the muck I’m trying to sort out in my cranial cavity (where there may or may not be a brain present, honestly I’m not sure sometimes).
I didn’t mean for my writer’s blog/website to have anything personal on it, but I find that I have little else to talk about right now. May was full of great moments, but I’m finding it hard to focus on anything but the disappointments.
I do my best to, despite my lofty persona, be real about my experiences. Not many people on the internet are, because the algorithm rarely approves of authenticity. We learn through its subtleties that we have to dance a fine line of the same vomited content we see everywhere else and, somehow, put our own unique spin on it at the same time. It’s maddening. But, that’s not really what has me slogging through the recesses of my subconscious.
Since my father passed in January, I have struggled with substance abuse. I will not say what substance as I really don’t think its important, but I sought to numb myself from the grief and overwhelming anxiety that comes from having the rug pulled out from underneath your feet. My experience is not unique, and this isn’t the first time I’ve sought such an escape. But as the cliche line goes, the first step to recovery is realizing you have a problem, and realize I did.
Now I’m not a cryptid who is content with downtime (like Mothman, that beautiful bastard). Usually to my detriment, I need a couple irons in the fire to feel productive. Aside from writing, I have two other ‘projects’ I work on, one of which is my main source of income. Unfortunately, when one seeks to numb themselves at night just to sleep, there is lost time and, more importantly, a loss of function.
Right now, however, I feel like I’ve traded one problem for another. Instead of numb laziness, I’m faced with the consequences of my actions as everything I refused to process is now hitting at once. I will say I’m sure I’m over the hill (the first couple of nights were the worst), but I’ve still got a journey ahead of me.
I suppose it’s appropriate to make this post at the tail end of Mental Health Awareness Month, as I am now quite aware of my mental health. All this said, I really haven’t touched my rough draft these last couple of weeks. I hate it, and every time I think about it, I feel guilty. Another factor to my current state is that usually, May is the worst month for me financially. Yesterday I had the realization that I tend to measure success financially, which isn’t how it should be. It’s another thing to work on, and to be pitiful for a second, I’m tired of finding more things to work on.
So, that’s out of the way now. I’m crawling out of my little Ten of Swords pit (Tarot reference) as we speak, and as I’m writing this, it’s a beautiful sunny day. We get a lot of rain in this area, but if nature and the elements are kind to me, maybe the sun will stay out for a little while this time around. I don’t want to make a habit of sad posts, and I’d much rather bring exciting news to my website. I hope you, dear reader, are finding yourself in a wonderful place full of the people and things you love. May every coin you find on the sidewalk be heads up, and may all your lights be green on your drive to work.
Aloyster Crowlay 